Monday, August 31, 2009 7:08:51 PM
march was not a good month for me, to put it lightly.
i had returned abruptly from an overambitious trip to mexico which ultimately defied my expectations, to discover winter still gripping each end of each day, idle and blurred and halfhearted. having no place in particular to go or be, i spent three weeks bouncing between hotels and hostels and the cold nostalgia of michigan, fragments of other people's homes. a relationship in which i had invested all of my energy and will and life was wretchedly dissolving, and i had no one and nothing to turn to in my despair, to my fault. i gave up on household chores, hating my temporary dwelling. smoked a lot of pot, needing sleep. wept on my bike and in lines and any time i found myself alone. at last, with the encouragement of my mother who had received a frightening email confessing my poetic wondering for suicide, i eventually made an effort for my own renewal and scheduled appointments with five therapists in one week.
i liked each one, and considered their questions and suggestions with important scrutiny. one of them wanted to know everything about my mother. another asked about my father. someone else spoke most of the time, spouting advice and explanations and eastern proverbs. i wasn't fond of him.
and after declaring all of my sorrow and suffering and woe, shifting in my chair and rolling my kleenex into a thousand shards of lint, one of the therapists asked pointedly: "so what are you committed to?"
i chose her.
and you have asked me. what are your commitments? and again, i paused, combing my complete past for answers. how can i not know? the question is about my love, my ideals, my life of course. what do i want on this journey? what will i ground myself in, and return to when i am lost or stuck or withdrawn? what do i want my partner to hold me accountable to? how shall i expect to grow?
these days are different now, i think. i'm trying to be a better person because i do not feel i have acted like one in much that i have done. i have quit jobs, deserting children and dear colleagues without delay. stolen people's wives, abandon all my family and friends. i have considered karma, the cosmic nature of the condition of my life, and thought on this (which was sent to me):
"The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation."
yes, a test of character and foundational values. a time of upheaval and strife. but i wasn't raised religiously; i have nothing prescribed to invest in. i haven't practiced specifics, defended my choices with essential convictions.
but, of course i have. it isn't so complicated, is it? we all act out of our own assumptions and beliefs whether we have named them or not. and we know when we have been true to ourselves and when we haven't, if we have any grasp of intuition.
what does my intuition want for me?
i once wrote a paper for school in which we were asked to define our "mantras" as teachers; what would we describe to our students mattered most? how would we rationalize our most vital learning? the professor explained how interesting the diversity of teacher mantras had been in each of his classes. some students have teachers who insist that organization and accuracy matters most; others defend curiosity and inquiry. some believed most in expeditionary and experiential learning, and others strive for the illusive mark of "rigor" and "excellence".
in believing that a true education is self-actualizing and contemplative, my mantra became "engage, reflect, transform". and although it was only a first effort and will likely develop alongside me, it was an eager attempt to merge school learning with life learning, my ultimate goal. authenticity. intentionality. truth.
i guess my point is that we are all on a trajectory of growth, and this is what i think it may look like. engagement with experience, reflection on it's meaning, transformation as a result. i want to welcome and witness my own growth. i want to be willing to evolve. to me, that is the most important thing: a willingness to respond to our own learning. to grow. to become more patient, more compassionate, more understanding, more thoughtful, more open, more reflective, more alive, more loving. more at peace. more connected. more human.
not perfect.
no, not perfect.
not even better, in the way that whoever we are in this moment is some failing of our selves, some fraction of what we could hope for, no. not in the way that we are less than what we should expect, inviting shame or diminishment. but only in the manner of acknowledging that we are becoming more whole.
but there is no absolute destination. i don't really believe in enlightenment.
there is something about love in all of this; the path is not a calculated process of self-improvement, but must fundamentally require the ability to love.
yes, love. what is love?
you have asked me, another question like a face at the window.
what do we do when we love ourselves, and each other?
.
