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Tuesday, June 10, 2008 10:30:33 PM
all of these people are testing me, all of these people. they visit me in my places and draw me out, asking all kinds of questions. and i have chosen to engage so fully that i worry in every moment i find myself alone. (my own voice amplifies.)
it is good meeting people, and learning new names. having visits. being kind. this is something i love about teaching, and it carries over. i think about winter, when i will take the bus. and i wonder if i will stare straight ahead and lift the corners of my eyebrows. i am good at this: don’t talk to me, i’ll hate you. don’t put your thoughts all over my body, lift your cell phone with pronouncements, lean your bag against my thigh. i think about the men who scrape their heels along the street, staggering for my eyes, splintered by the sun and dark travels. i think about how i have honked and cursed them and never given out a dollar except for once when it was earned. (it has been four years.) i think about the pumping highway. i think about the pigeons.
i think about walking through this life, and every minute, just missing it. i think about my anger and my apathy, my unintention, my fear of experience.
and today was a day that i was not that person. and these days have been like that.
what the hell is going on?
there are a gazillion stories.
and they are just sitting there.
i want to take all the risks, and i want them to be about people. i want to acknowledge their eyes and invite them to share, because i am good at this too. and it feels better. i want to be afraid. i want to displace the order, the expectation. i want to invite myself into this version of me, and i want to stay devoted.
is it possible? is it possible that this is about love? and can i commit to a principle even if it turns? can i be self sacrificing? is this important, or expected? is it necessary? is it the same? i should know what allegiance i will be most attached to, if i am to be intentional.
but i don’t know what the hell is going on.
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