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Tuesday, January 19, 2010 7:43:12 PM
jared called me last week to report that he needed a thousand dollars, “like a get out of jail free card”. i foolishly assumed he had dialed to confirm some amount he had sent to repay his last debt to me. i received his message in the car on voicemail, brief and unemotional. realizing that i was experiencing the launch of a panic attack, i tried to put the matter out of my mind and resist confronting any possible shadowy reasons for his arrest, or my willing role as the ostensible champion of the fatefully less fortunate in my family.
days later, my mother reported that jared was detained for driving without insurance or a license, and at last apprehended for his warrant out on fines due years prior in michigan. he had a court date today for the matter, which i would be astounded and relieved to hear he attended. i predict he will put in some months in the county jail, more months of community service, thousands in fees which he will work even more months to return.
my brothers are the seed of something inside of me, which swirled against my skin in utero but did not permeate my blood. i do not live their life only by a step of fortune, a degree of grit, an upbringing of favoritism. there is no telling why i look upon their vagrancy as an outsider, i have not acted in my life with intention enough to elude their plight of a cloudy existence. i think of aging friends, and realize this could befall me at any time. roaming, loss, a pale face in the mirror asking
what happened?
my mother cried apologies for her invented burden of emotion. “every time he tries to make a fresh start he just falls on his face,” she sighed, “i don’t know why.”
i cannot be as helpless as i imagine.
this morning at 8:38 i asked my students to declare something they were good at. our poem was about ‘bad-shot betty’ who displays terrible aim, and the schema question (i love it) invited them to explore their own talents. as i listened to them declare their skill in soccer, running, wrestling (angela!), writing, headstands underwater, and being a person (oh TC), i remembered that they are so, so beautiful. “this is important,” i described. “remember that you are here to discover what you are very good at. and if you do not know it yet, pay attention to what you love.”
i am good at giving good advice. :)
tomorrow is a late start day, and it will speed by. i realized this week that someday i will have to say goodbye to these tiny people, and that will be hard. i did not think we were very connected. it has surprised me.
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